Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..' |
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
And the cardiologist' s diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
